Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Cycle

Well, I'm still feeling stuck in the mud and my eating has totally sucked (well, sucked for me, anyway) and I know it's a vicious cycle. Bad feelings bring on bad eating, which of course continues to bring on bad feelings. Ugh. I am drinking a lot of Kombucha because it's the only raw beverage I can find in a store when I am away from home. It's good stuff. I'm going to get the hubby to start making our own. Oooh, now that would be nice.

It's probably important to talk about the stuck in the mud stuff, because with all the rah rah rah (or raw raw raw) talk about eating raw and living foods, when the deeper, harder stuff happens, maybe people feel like they're doing it "wrong".

I won't go into tons of details, but I've been facing some old patterns and stuff that reminds me of my childhood; the not good parts. I hypothesize that since my body is cleaning out old physical toxins, that of course my heart wants to clean out old emotional toxins. They are inextricably linked. I am surprised, actually, that most of what I am experiencing is emotional. My body's physical detox was minimal compared to what I've read many other people have experienced, but I feel that the emotional stuff is piling out day after day. I stuffed a lot of my emotions down (and food helped keep it down) and now that I don't eat a lot of food that suppresses me, things are starting to come up.

Just like a physical detox though, no matter how fast I want to get through it and be "better", there is a process. It doesn't just go away. It comes up and needs to be released, like any toxins. It helps me to know this so that when I am sad, and craving a pastry, I can say things like "If you eat this, you'll just have to do more work in therapy later." It also helps me feel better when I am aware of WHY I am eating poorly.

I want to emphasize that although it's hard work, and sometimes I feel incredibly sad, angry, and stuck, I am WAY happier to deal with/heal this stuff than I am to keep it underground. When I am able to have healthy relationships that used to be really bad, it makes life so much easier. I can manifest better, see my own worth, and simply get things done. So don't run away from yourself when the shit hits the fan. Take a big whiff of it cause it'll be gone soon! :)

Second, and less of a downer, I just wanted to say that it's really great to get comments and to also read others' blogs. I find that even if I am not eating a ton of good raw food, or enough raw food in general, reading about other people and their journeys makes me feel connected.