Thursday, July 30, 2009

I'm "in it" right now

Garden State (the movie) has this one line about being "in it." There isn't a lot of explanation, but I took that to mean, "in your stuff." A friend of mine uses the phrase, "my stuff is up" to mean something similar.

When I go to cooked food as a relief/release/protector/etc. I think to myself that I'm "in it." Deep in my cooked food-edness. I have no problem admitting my problem. Step 1 of 12, down. Everything after that gets blurry with the 'cooked food haze'. No further "steps" are taken.

I'm really good about eating a lot of raw food. That's never been an issue. I love raw food. I also seem to "love" (like an abused person loves an abuser) cooked food. Even in the heat, when I should have put more water-heavy food in my body, I wanted sugar. Something to numb me out while I endured the heat.

I'm reading about several things related to addiction...and I've learned several similar things in the past about my addiction, specifically. They are now coming together!

1) I eat when I am nervous...not just about failure, but also about success. I eat to calm my nerves, good and bad.

2) Related to #1, I eat to control. It's weird to know that I do that, but sometimes eating is the ONLY thing I feel I CAN I eat what I want, when I want, how much I want. Oddly enough, the control part is an illusion, and I easily become out of control.

3) The empty hole I try to fill is lack of connection (that I'm responsible for fostering) with Spirit. When I forget or just don't make time for that connection, I seem to eat more cooked food.

4) Eating cooked food makes me feel crappy, so I use that to blame my ills on, if I have nothing else. Convenient, huh?

5) I eat under pressure. I hate abstaining from food in social settings, so I don't. This aids in my martyr complex when I'm alone. "Whoa is me with the clogged sinuses, bulging belly, and tired body. Damn that cooked food I put into my mouth just to be social!"

6) I eat when I'm bored. I'm usually not really bored, just trying to keep myself at bay through food. If I'm eating, then I can't be doing other things, right? Like pursuing my dreams.

7) I eat to keep myself from pursuing my dreams. That sounds crazy, I know. I see it all the time in my habits. Something lurks in the pursuit of dreams...I'm still looking into that...

For now, that's a lot of reasons/excuses why I eat. I'm reading Napoleon Hill, who mainly talks about Science of Success, but it applies to food, too. Food just covers up the stuff I don't want to see.

As I get closer to my definiteness of purpose (N. Hill), I see the food thing gripping me tightly. I get it. I'm not angry or even that frustrated. Just observant. It's showing me how close I am. That's a good thing.