Monday, April 7, 2008

So THAT'S what it feels like!

I'm not proud of it, but this wouldn't be MY blog if I didn't talk about the binge I had this past weekend.

Man, alive. I'd like to think that before raw food I didn't have a problem. Yes, I'd like to think that, but I don't. I have a problem with food and while it's easier to deal with in many ways through raw food, it doesn't solve the problems associated with it. Grr.
I was alone in the house for 6 hours and normally, I would NOT be tempted but I was this time. Just because I don't eat 3 pies of pizza and a gallon of ice cream doesn't mean I don't look to food to fill some empty holes or entertain me in my boredom. Yikes.

I'm struggling with how I eat differently in public than in private. Normally, you might think that I would gorge myself on pizza when I'm alone, but actually (other than this past Saturday) I eat raw when I'm alone and my cooked food weakness is a more public thing. Weird. I had some cooked food when a friend came over for dinner, in an effort to show her that I was comfortable eating a little cooked food while remaining raw. We talked previously about how rigid I was being with regard to raw food so I was trying to be "relaxed" but that quickly turned into 50 hours of non-relaxed behavior where I just couldn't stop.
The sensation of eating is pleasurable to me. So raw or not, I like to be eating. When I am excited, bored, sad, fearful, or just walking by the kitchen, I eat. I use food to fulfill all these things in my life (which it never does, strangely). My experience in OA didn't really sit well with me, so I'm wondering if going back to another 12 step group would help. Maybe actually getting a sponsor and/or going through the steps would be good.

Anyway, I'm not too down on myself about the eating/binging. It happened. Today is a new day. I've eaten a grapefruit and a cup of tea. I'm making kale when I get home. I don't crave the cooked food, oddly. It was just that short period, it seems. Not that I won't be susceptible again, but it's not like I want to go back to cooked food, either. Hmm.

On the flip side, Josh and I talked about buying too much food every week and we've decided to pick one day a week to fast, to give our bodies some rest. We also decided we need a bit more regularity with having dinner with people. This might prove to be challenging, since I am picky and raw and eat weird things. But the social aspect is weighing down on us.

Nuts are proving to be too much for me, which is good to know. I can't just eat one. :( I had a slew of raw snack food last week and now we are paring down so there is less lying around. What do I do if I can't eat all the time???

Hmm, that's actually a good question.

What other things can I be doing instead of eating?:

reading my billion books,
calling a friend,
taking a walk,
watching a movie,
listening to music,
drinking water,
writing an email,
surfing the net,
writing a piece,
volunteering for a non-profit,
going to the library,
organizing photos,
cleaning my computer (backing stuff up)

That's seems like enough to keep me busy.