Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Feeling Better Today!

I had a phone session with Paula Langguth Ryan (she's an AWESOME abundance coach) and I feel SO much better about what's going on in my life.
I feel a bit torn between offering up too much information & wanting to share all the details and not publicly writing every single thing that's going on (it can be overwhelming), but let's just say that I'm really getting a chance to look at my life these days.

Not eating a ton of food (raw or otherwise) is helping me a lot. While it's boring (I like to be entertained by food), I can feel the good feelings around it too. I have more time to read, observe, and sleep.

Here's something challenging: My husband Josh is a foodie. When an artist mixes just the right color, or a dj mixes just the right beat and sample, they are in the flow. Josh, too, has a flow when it comes to food. We don't share raw food together in the way he likes to play with cooked food, so it's a bit hard for us to navigate what's going on when one of us is not participating the way the other wishes we did. We have friends coming over for dinner this week and I am cleansing, so I won't be making my own food, nor am I that excited to sit at the table and watch others eat. HUGE STICKING POINT. Normally, I would just make my own raw meal, with all the accoutrements, but I really need to listen to myself when it comes to this food thing. Just because people get together and share food and that in itself can be the entertainment, doesn't mean I have to or even want to sometimes. It's hard for me to even share that thought, since it feels rude and judgmental, but that's how I feel nonetheless (not rude & judgmental, but simply not into food as entertainment).

Josh and I used to share food and we don't do it much anymore. So what can we share? We're going on a retreat next weekend and we'll talk about that.

There are so many raw blogs out there! I can hardly keep up! But I try and it's actually really great to find good blogs that offer valuable information, discussion, reflection, and products.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Master Cleanse, Day 3

I am COLD today. I think I am used to having fats to "keep me warm" and they hardly do a good job (I am just so cold most of the time), but now that I am just drinking lemonade with maple syrup and cayenne, it doesn't help the cold factor. My body has ditched its outer layers since going raw, but I don't think it's fair that since I am trying to take care of myself, that I suffer cold everything!

I don't really "miss" food, as it were. I see food and enjoy looking at it, but I'm not going crazy not being able to eat solid food. It's the 3rd day, so I imagine it will only get better from here. It sure is MUCH easier to not have to prepare anything but the cleansing drink each day. I loved that part of fasting the last time I did it. No mess, no fuss, nothing but my glass bottles to clean.

In therapy today I felt pretty raw (pun NOT intended). I'm having a rough time emotionally (it started before the fasting but is only demonstrating itself more colorfully now). I want the emotional detox, and I didn't think it was going to be all roses. And it's certainly NOT, by any means.

I have been noticing how much energy I am flitting away in other areas of my life. I read blogs of other raw food folks and it seems that they have only made time for the things that matter to them (what a concept!) and I feel like I am being bogged down by a lot of stuff I don't want to be dealing with. I don't feel positive about much at the moment and that's a bummer.

I'm daydreaming about living in community, as I like to do when my life hits the fan...but I am still not very present.

I HAVE been noticing that when I feel this way, my body wants to map out when the next food fix is coming. That's an interesting thing. I usually plot my day by way of grocery stores. Even if I am not hungry, I want to know food is nearby. In case I need 'X' I can get it at this place, or that place...etc. And at home, when I am feeling lonely, left out, bored, scared, frustrated, angry, resentful, sneaky, devious, rebellious, etc., I run right to nuts, raw snacks, dried fruit, etc. So when housemates eat their cooked food breakfast, I don't CRAVE that, but I do think about lara bars, raisins, nuts, and other raw foods as a way to keep the habit/pattern of stuffing things down.

I'm not too surprised that I don't really have that much to expel on the Master Cleanse. I drink the sea salt flush twice a day and nothing alarming happens. In fact, I hoped there would be more stuff to excrete, but maybe I haven't been eating enough to excrete! The 7 Day Detox from the Raw Divas actually shows that I'm probably not eating enough normally (their plan is a detox but looks like more food than I normally eat), hence the binging on nuts when I get off of work. Their menu planner seems like it will be a jump for me to eat as much as they advise. I don't eat until I am hungry, which is later and later, and then at work I don't eat tons, and then I come home and haven't thought about dinner so I eat nuts and then go to bed. But if I ate more greens during lunch and dinner and stopped eating after 6:30pm, then I'd probably feel different. Can't wait to try it out.

Oh! And I read recently that it takes more energy to deal with emotional stuff than physical stuff. Exercising eventually stops, but our emotions are constantly showing up. Makes sense. So I am all about emotions and yet I don't give myself enough energy back after having dealt with them. Also explains why I always want to eat after therapy!

That's enough for now...
More tomorrow!

Monday, March 24, 2008

The Master Cleanse

I've heard of the Master Cleanse from a thousand different sources, but never tried it because it just didn't 'speak' to me, at the time. Recently, after wanting to rid my body of its excess mucus (the ear infection/'cloudy' ear is STILL happening a week later), I stumbled upon the Master Cleanse again. Luckily, I have been 99% raw for several months so the Master Cleanse did not really intimidate me. I also wanted the experience of finding out if it indeed DOES reduce mucus.

Also while reading voraciously (I truly LOVE to read...)about raw food and all the stuff folks on the Internet are up to, I stumbled back upon the Raw Divas. While I'd never call myself a diva (not out loud, anyway), I do feel that I need to look at raw food with a more gentle, yin approach. I tend to be all or nothing in most of my endeavors and the rigidity/yang energy (I've recently blogged about this) was actually not good for me. But I still want the benefit of eating raw how I can have a delicious and supportive relationship with raw food, without the feeling of rules and regulations with regard to my food. The rules and restrictions led me to a lot of nut-eating, which is a no-no in large quantities (I consider my consumption to be on the edge of large quantities). Most people stop feeling good (they have replaced excessive cooked fat with excessive un-cooked fat) when they use nuts as the filler raw food. Also, it was getting to be a headache to figure out what was raw and what was billed as raw, but still pasteurized, steamed, cooked, etc.

The Raw Divas have challenged me to put aside the nuts, avos, and oils in favor of all the fruits, veggies, and sprouts my heart and body desire.

I'm doing the Master Cleanse for 3-10 days (we'll see how long I decide/choose to do it), then I will move into the 7 Day Detox, via the Raw Divas (which won't be that different from the 80/10/10 diet but without all the calculating). I am eager to see what it's like to eat no extra fat (fruits and veggies DO have fat, so I'm not too worried) and also eat when I am hungry, not when I am sad, bored, walking through the kitchen, etc. As a bonus, I hope to save on groceries since our bill tends to be high when I am buying more specialty items. Also, we're growing food this spring and summer so that should be a great way to reduce our food bill.

I do want to hold myself accountable for getting enough calories. Several folks have already expressed their 'almost-concern' about any further weight loss and while I still have some extra "energy" in my body, I am not fasting or detoxing to lose weight for weight loss' sake. I am simply releasing the stuff on and in my body that no longer needs to take up space.

I'm also looking toward some emotional intentions. Lately I've been feeling really disconnected from myself, and I project that outward onto others in my community. I am feeling vulnerable about how I build (or destroy?) the community and connection around me and I intend to gain some clarity on that front. I have been feeling really stretched and I see that I allow myself to bend and form according to others and NOT according to myself and my needs and what I want in the moment.

I have been doing things because I think they will gain me approval and love and when they don't, I am really upset, disappointed, and disillusioned. It SUCKS. Then I am angry and resentful, I pull back and recoil, and spend lots of time sulking and pouting. Yuck. I am looking forward to examining this pattern and seeing how I can sidestep it. Hopefully the detox/fast will give me some clues.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's update...