Rigidity

Well, I thought I would sneak past one of my close friends with regard to how rigid I am being in my pursuit of a clean and pure body. Duh. Rigidity is a community ailment. I'm ONLY rigid in FRONT of people!

This was a setback in many regards and a propulsion forward in a few regards. After my friend lovingly but firmly called me out, I realized that my perfectionism is REALLY detrimental. Which is why a lot of folks think raw food is a covered-up form of an eating disorder. For some, it very well may be. And my friend, still lovingly and still firm, said it's not the raw food that's at fault, it's my own perfectionism. Raw food does WELL in my body. In fact, it has helped me with SO much that I am eternally grateful, AND when I start to shut off from society, using raw food as an excuse, then I know I need to look at myself again.

Why am I eating raw food?
Because I LOVE it. A delicious salad, a triumphant tiramisu, satisfying crackers (with an alteration to make graham crackers, too!), and several open and inviting restaurants all make me feel AWESOME. What doesn't make me feel awesome is when others are eating 'good food' and I offer myself an orange or a handful (which turns into a pound) of nuts and say to myself "You're better than that. Eat this orange and LIKE it. They (anyone not into raw food) are just feeding their addictions. You are above addiction, damn it, now drop and give me 20 Hail-David Wolfe pushups and stop your crying!"
The 'boot camp' of raw food only produces ill-feelings and superiority inside myself and I didn't want to admit it, but there it is. I compare myself to folks who make a living eating raw food and blogging and you-tubing and newslettering and then I take myself out back and whip out the 2X4 of raw until I stuff my face with dates and go to sleep on a full stomach of shame and deprivation.

NO THANKS. I love raw food. I really do. It broke my heart when my housemate said she didn't want to give up flavor to eat better. What?!?! I'm more into flavor now than I have ever been. Sprouts are not garnish. Parsley is not meant to accompany steak. And coconut oil is not just for a body rub. It's so tasty! The tastiest!

So I'm listening to how I deprive myself and then how I sneak off and eat 4 cacao treats to make me feel better (I think I should have stock in Larabar). And I'm noticing how I tell myself NOT to buy something attractive and raw because it's too expensive (and yet I can easily look the other way when people [read: me, a year ago] buy $4 coffee and $3 pastries for a whopping total of NO nutrients!). I'm also noticing how I settle for bland and boring raw food BECAUSE it's raw, not demanding a better alternative to provide me with nutrition AND delicious taste. No more!

Well, at least, I'm observing and listening and hopefully allowing myself to get back to my love of raw food, juice, and spiritual enlightenment via the earth.

My rigidity won't go away overnight. There are probably several other issues in there to look at. But now I can't hide in it and blame my unborn child for my strict adherence to constant limitations. My child, whether raw or cooked, wants to know that he/she is loved. My child wants to feel seen and heard. My child wants to feel comfortable living on the earth. I can offer my best shot of how I learned how to do that myself. And that's enough.