Thursday, May 10, 2007

Subtle Emotions

I've been mostly raw for about 3 months. This doesn't seem like a long time, but so much has been happening physically, mentally and emotionally, that it feels like several lifetimes.

My issues come up in cycles. When X triggers Y, I react by Z. For as long as I can remember, this is the way it has been. I have changed, of course, but rare is the moment that I look to my diet as the cause. Sure, I knew that eating badly made me feel badly, but since I was so focused on the negative aspect, I forgot to look at the opposite effect: eating well makes me feel well.

Added energy, enjoyment of my body, and weight loss are all important aspects of my raw life but it didn't stop there.

Things have been coming up recently that are a bit random. Interactions with friends, family, in my office, etc., are challenging me to reexamine my patterns with a different perspective so that I may be able to change it this time.

My dad passed away when I was six and while I've mourned his death and done a lot of personal work around it, when it came up recently, I felt different.
I was crying about missing him, but the tears were not from this dreaded, dark, hopeless place. They were simply tears of sadness. I just missed my dad. It felt lighter in my body, like it wasn't as heavy and it didn't come from the depths of me (I have a history of suppressing and repressing energy). It was an acknowledgement that someone I loved was gone, and I missed them. As I was crying, I noticed this difference and it felt weird to stop crying before I sobbed my eyes out (my usual method). I heave and breathe shallowly and feel alone in it. But this time, I just shed a few tears and then moved through the emotion.

I shared this with my therapist and as I talked about the sensations, it dawned on me that eating raw food would of course bring things up like this. My deep-seated pattern was to hold it all in, let it fester, and then explode in gut-wrenching emotion (tears, anger, etc). And now I could feel the tears, observe them, love them, and watch them go away. It's not like I felt less sad, either. It's just that I am expressing sadness differently.

Not having sugar in my life to suppress my emotions means they can come more freely and with less intensity.

I also find myself crying very easily at little things that happen in my daily life. They are tears of joy and connection. I read something yesterday about a woman who thought she was destined for divorce and when she did some personal work, her relationship changed and all was good, no divorce. I had to shed a few tears. Redemption is so sweet. I don't care if people see me, either. I stopped caring a while ago. I'm not afraid of crying and I don't feel uncomfortable. I can cry and still live my life.

Anyway, so this subtle change in emotions and the expression of emotions is really interesting. I feel softer and also stronger. It's exactly the way I imagined I could feel eventually.

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