Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Day 3 of Master Cleanse

Master Cleanse is a good name for this thing. Already many things are coming to light. I am up minutes before the alarms goes off everyday, I am listening to my intuition, I am able to meditate better, weight is sloughing off, I remember to breathe more, I feel stuff that normally I would stuff down...I'm sure more stuff has been happening, but those are the ones off the top of my head.

Co-hort #1 told me yesterday that eating had been a way to deal and now that there is no eating and no "stuffing" works with liquid, things are starting to boil up.

I eat for many reasons: boredom, fear, excitement and celebration, peer pressure, anger, sadness...I think those cover it. Where I would want to yell or confront or cry, I eat instead. Where I would want to pace, run, laugh, I eat instead. Where I would want to lead, question, or just sit in silence, I eat instead.

When the act of eating goes away, I am left with myself, all the parts that I have tried to avoid for so long. Not in their entirety, mind you, I DO have a therapist for goodness sakes. But I avoid the little things and boy, do they add up at the end.

It's interesting being on this cleanse with other folks, who are reacting in very different ways. We can share our love/hate for the drink, our physical sensations, or other superficial things, but when it comes to the journey into the shadows, it may look like the same darkness, but I assure it's uniquely different.

I remember when I used to write...much harder when I eat instead.

At Findhorn there were mealtimes. There were break times. But I could not, like I do now, eat whenever, whatever, wherever. I kinda miss that structure. I like structure if it serves me, and special eating times definitely serves me.

I also liked the structured day in general at Findhorn. Granted, there were times when I was always into it, but mostly, it was nice to have 3-4 different things to do, but I knew that Wednesdays was attunement (group check-in), Monday and Tuesday were workshifts, class was from 9am-12pm everyday, and tea time was at 3pm. Those types of structures allowed me to feel contained without restrained. Nice distinction.

I'm working at the law firm, which provides me distraction and structure as well. It's good not to be at home. I wish I could do stuff at work that I normally slough off at home. Nitty gritty things, y'know?

I realized that I have been drinking the minimum amount of MC lemonade, which explains the dry mouth a little. I think I need to be drink at least 80-90 oz. of liquid (not including teas and water). Gotta clean it out, man!

Stay tuned for more details!

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